Longest entry ever
Friday, Dec. 23, 2005 6:23 P.M.

I'm listening to:
Current mood:
Important Dates:

Hello again. I was going to wait to write until I figure out my life, but then I realized something: Why have a diary if you only write when things are just hunky-dory? That's not all of who I am, and it doesn't reflect what's happened in the past few days...
Let's start with yesterday. I learned that my dog's heart was failing and we would have to put her to sleep (she went waaaay downhill again; she could hardly walk). I took that blow stoically enough on the outside, but really I was not willing to let her go. My parents set the appointment for today at 4:00, so that both of my performances in the talent show would be over.
Last night's talent show came and went; I really don't remember much about it except I forgot some of the words to the song. (I did find out later that I was on TV, but I didn't get to see myself; you'll find out why later.)
After we got home, it was clear that Tawny needed to be put to rest. She kept pacing the floor and collapsing, breathing like every lungful cost her so much effort. She didn't seem to be in any pain, though, so I figured she'd be OK for one more day.
I made a few phone calls, then decided to spend the night, Tawny's last night, in the kitchen beside her blanket. A few minutes after I was settled on my folding chair-bed thingy, Tawny started to cry softly. I called my dad, but when he came down, of course she went quiet. A few minutes later, though, she was uttering, I swear, the beagle equivalent of screams of pain. Every time she cried, I felt like something inside me was tearing and bleeding. It was horrible and I don't want to describe that anymore.
We finally got ahold of the vet at like 10:30, and he said he'd meet us at the clinic to put her to sleep tonight. I grabbed the first pair of sweatpants I found and ran to call Amber (who was on a date). Tawny was silent the whole car ride, but not in a peaceful way. It was like she was too exhausted to cry anymore. I stroked her side all the way to the vet, and it felt like her heart was pounding and her breathing was rough and unsteady.
When we got to the vet, she took the shot without a fight. We were all crying when he did it, and Mom even gave her a kiss. My hand was on her stomach when she took her last breath. I felt a sense of relief then, because I knew her pain was over. Wish it was that easy for me...
Of course all this time I was crying on and off. We packed her away in a box with her favorite blanket, her collar, and a small treat (my touch), and took her home. I lay in bed with my parents for a while, but then my dad started snoring so I went to my own room. I still didn't get much sleep.
Then, this morning, I heard a sad song and started crying all over again. I worried I would cry during the two tests I had to day, or worse, the talent show. But I didn't. And I won first prize. Mom reminded me of how much Tawny loved to listen to me sing and play piano, and I thought of her.
We buried our puppy on my grandparents' farm today, beside a grove of trees. On the way there, Dad put her in the back seat near the window, because she loved to look out and watch the scenery pass by.
I am still in a sort of shock, I think. I still see Tawny everywhere, I hear her next to the piano, I think I'm nudging her paw with my foot when it's really a notebook or something. Mom moved the Christmas candy to a more secure place on the table so Tawny wouldn't jump up and grab it. Amber shut her door so Tawny wouldn't eat the food in her room. It's going to take a while to get over the loss of my baby. I've been with her ever since I was five. I was there for her first funny beagle bark and there for her last breath. I was there for almost her whole life, and my life is just beginning.
OK, now that I've ranted forever, I probably should get ready to sign off. If anybody read this, thanks. I feel a lot better now that I got all that crap out of my system. Parting thought: R.I.P. BABY, I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU.
KD
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